


something they can never take away

by leov66



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Coming of Age, Friends to Lovers, Gen, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of Anxiety, Trans Courfeyrac, Trans Marius, Underage Smoking, enjolras doesnt even know hes pining lmao loser, hamilton an american musical - Freeform, mentions of depression, musical theatre?? drama?club? thing?????, nobody knows what self-care is, stay tuned for:, t for the Unhealthy coping mechanisms and future sad things, this really has Potential just u guys wait, were getting there i promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-18
Updated: 2017-07-30
Packaged: 2018-12-03 13:53:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11533605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leov66/pseuds/leov66
Summary: "Okay, so I might have an idea now that I think about it. How much do you exactly know about the US' humble beginnings?", Courfeyrac's eyes lit up and he grinned, obviously ready to deliver another Lecture™."Be more precise, you mean the racism, the politics or the dates?", Enjolras said."I mean the first Treasury Secretary, Alexander Hamilton.""There have beenseventy-seven, you can't possibly expect me to remember every single one, Courf.""That's nice, but this one will start ringing a bell soon because there is a literal musical about him."it's their senior year and the ABCDrama club decides to do a musical. the whole thing alongside Realizing Stuff is a mess.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is gonna get long citizens i am sorry. dont expect a regular update schedule please thank u

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ch1: this is just the beginning obviously so it only introduces the trio. theyre all fucked up im sorry

It was all Courfeyrac's idea. They were sitting outside his grandparents' house on the grass and watching the late August sky as they had done for almost ten years. The air was a bit too cold for Enjolras' shorts and t-shirt, but he didn't mind it too much.

 

"I wish we were back in fifth grade again," Combeferre muttered, trying very hard not to fall asleep yet. Enjolras could see the little imprints his glasses left on his nose and it made him smile. They had a debate about aliens before and the other boy kept pushing the glasses up because they kept falling down as he bowed his head.

 

"Why, though?", he said. "Wanna have to be home at eight and have boring classes again?"

 

"In a year from now, we'll have graduated, applied to college and maybe parted ways. Doesn't that make you sad?"

 

"I don't know, except for the last one. We won't, 'Ferre, there's no way we'll part ways. You know that," he replied almost nervously. He hasn't thought about it because there's simply no way that they, brothers in all but blood, stop being in each others' lives. "Come on, say something."

 

"Sorry, got lost for a second. Maybe we will, we won't know until we do. I'm just saying it is a possibility. Don't you wanna be kids again? Everything was easier."

 

"Maybe it was, but at least we don't have braces anymore. It's still summer, guys, stop," Courfeyrac said, still lying on the blanket they'd laid down with his eyes closed. They honestly thought he'd fallen asleep some time ago, but apparently he didn't. "Talk about something happier or don't talk at all."

 

Enjolras just sighed and released his hair from the braid Courfeyrac had put it in before dinner. It felt nice to snap the tie against his wrist a few times. "Suggest a topic and I'll consider it."

 

"What are we performing this year? I mean, nothing could possibly top last year's _Hamlet_ but still, we need to do something. Make them remember us."

 

Oh, yes. The play. They started a drama club (ABCDrama club, Courfeyrac insisted they name it so they did and it was completely _ridiculous_ ) back in freshman year and it was probably one of the few things keeping all their friends sane, the others being coffee and constant fear of failure. Last year, they performed _Hamlet_ , with Grantaire as the main lead and Courfeyrac as Horatio. It surely made Enjolras consider his sexuality (which he hadn't paid much attention to before), not that he would admit it out loud or something.

 

"I don't know, haven't thought about it. I'll ask Joly when we're back in town, we're meeting on Tuesday," Combeferre said. "He and Jehan have nice ideas."

 

"Same here, too many things on my mind," Enjolras shook his head. He had been wondering about many things, but the play felt too far away to even consider it. It was surprising since he usually was the one to have the first idea and then present it to the rest. He brushed it off, though, as he usually did when it came to issues of any kind.

 

"Okay, so I might have an idea now that I think about it. How much do you exactly know about the US' humble beginnings?", Courfeyrac's eyes lit up and he grinned, obviously ready to deliver another Lecture™.

 

"Be more precise, you mean the racism, the politics or the dates?", Enjolras said.

 

"I mean the first Treasury Secretary, Alexander Hamilton."

 

"There have been _seventy-seven_ , you can't possibly expect me to remember every single one, Courf."

 

"That's nice, but this one will start ringing a bell soon because there is a literal _musical_ about him."

 

"We haven't done any musicals before. I'm not even sure that anybody from the club can sing, except for maybe Grantaire," Combeferre said.

 

"That we'll see on September and we'll still have a lot of time to make something up if nobody- _wait, how do you know that?_ ", Courfeyrac began and Enjolras joined in on the second part.

 

Combeferre just shrugged. "Last year during the _Hamlet_ rehearsals, when you guys were out for that debate competition, he brought his ukulele and just started playing it and singing so we joined in."

 

"Wow, that's so cool! You think he could teach me how to play the ukulele?", Courfeyrac asked, already excited at the thought.

 

"How about we talk about the musical and not Grantaire and playing the ukulele?", Enjolras broke in, his tone a bit more irritated than he'd originally planned, which earned him a slightly worried glance from Combeferre.

 

"Damn, Enj, don't snap back into the leader voice, what did I just tell you about enjoying summer?" Courfeyrac just ran his hand through Enjolras' hair playfully.

 

Roughly forty minutes, an excessive Google search and a very long story from Courfeyrac later, at around three in the morning they found themselves blasting the musical's first song through Enjolras' ridiculously expensive portable speaker into the cold Maine air. Courfeyrac curled up on the blanket with his head in Combeferre's lap and watched his friends' relactions with an excited expression on his face. By the time Enjolras and Combeferre had finished their pack of Marlboros (Courfeyrac just scrunched his nose and refused), they were almost halfway through the musical.

 

"I'd like to point out that Eliza did literally nothing wrong and Burr needs to take a nap and chill," Enjolras said during _Non-Stop_. His head was spinning and everything was light, he felt like he could breathe the warm smoke and cold air in over and over.

 

"I just know, right? Both are relatable," Courfeyrac laughed.

 

"Not to kill the mood, but it's almost sunrise," Combeferre poked both Enjolras and Courfeyrac, who had fallen asleep cuddled up together. They looked cute like that, so he made sure to take pictures beforehand. He already had plans to develop the best ones from that trip and have them join the ongoing collage of them since preschool. "You don't wanna miss the sunrise, remember? What's the point of staying up if you don't see it?"

 

"Stop talking and let me sleep," Enjolras mumbled, half-asleep, and held onto Courfeyrac as if his life depended on it. He looked peaceful like that, harmless and vulnerable. It made Combeferre think about how the stress that came with school changed him.

 

It was quiet yet again, since Combeferre turned the speaker off when his friends fell asleep. The golden sunset began to settle in the distance, washing over their bodies and finally warming up the air. As unsettling as it was, he couldn't quite shake off the feeling that their days were now counted. The three boys' friendship was one of the most solid things in his life and he knew that September meant school and stress for another ten months until it was summer again but that summer would be entirely different-

 

"You look like you've got a fuckin' halo or something, you know?", Courfeyrac said wile reaching out to touch his shoulder and it felt comforting enough to let the issue go for the time being.

 

They spent a few more days at Courfeyrac's grandparents' after that one, mainly revisiting the places they walked through as children, the sweet memories only deepened by the familiarity of everything and the sudden feeling of _this may be how it ends_. It surely hurt a lot, but Courfeyrac smiled as he usually did. He wasn't ready to face the thought he might one day come there and not have them by his side. Another thing he didn't prepare himself for was how he only began to see how much they've changed when he was faced with the (probably, he reminded himself time and time again) incoming parting; how distanced and _angry_ Enjolras became, how his passion for history got ruined by a teacher with biased opinions and turned into a borderline obsession with politics and justice, how he accepted anything short of perfection from himself (Courfeyrac had seen him cry about an unfair grade or the goddamn two percent that stopped him from being the best way too many times), how Combeferre turned from the kid who always knew more than the entire class about plants and animals and always shared fun facts with his friends into the one who sat in the corner rather quietly, no longer willing to share anything, who spent hours upon hours studying and in extra classes, his only motivation being the fear of failure. Courfeyrac remembered the day his friend told his parents he wanted to go to med school and that not a short time later Combeferre switched all the sci-fi books and thrillers for biology textbooks and Star Wars marathons for staying up and memorising stupid things that weren't even relevant. He began to take part in all the boring olympiads and suddenly the once 'cool fact' became another information to memorise, maybe even to write down on a Post-it note but nothing else. Courfeyrac didn't even try to think how much he had changed himself, the thoughts too connected to the ache in his chest and _everything about his body and features and face feeling wrong and bad and incorrect_ -

 

He kept on his smile, because what else could he possibly do? He smiled through his long eyelashes and soft hair and thicker thighs because that was what he always did.

 

 

On their train ride home (he always insisted they take the train for the sake of it), they talked, laughed, listened to the entirety of _Hamilton_ (perks of having a compartment to themselves) and looked through photos. It kind of felt like coming back from Hogwarts, except maybe less magic and more irritating heat.

 

"You think we're actually gonna do it? The songs are really cool, plus it's gonna be a nice statement for senior year," Courfeyrac said with his legs resting on the little table. Enjolras turned his gaze from whatever brick he was reading to him and rolled his eyes. Combeferre was dozing off, his AP Bio textbook still open in his lap.

 

"I think it's good, but the rest has to agree, too, Plus, we'd need a bit more people, maybe freshmen? We'd give them a good example," Enjolras replied quietly so he wouldn't wake Combeferre up.

 

facebook 3:29 pm

'abcdrama'

courfeyrac: so ive got this idea

courfeyrac: for this years play

jehan: omg spill

bossuet: nice bro

courfeyrac: have u heard of hamilton an american musical

cosette: HOW DOES A BASTARD ORPHAN SON OF A WHORE AND A SCOTSMAN

jehan: DROPPED IN THE MIDDLE OF A FORGOTTEN SPOT

eponine: i call dibs on angelica . just saying

jehan: HEY rude

joly: This would be so cool

feuilly: I'm in I think

courfeyrac: im just leaving this here and u guys think about it

courfeyrac: enj and ferre say hi

cosette: tell them we say hi too!! <3

courfeyrac: well discuss everything on the first meeting probably

 

"What are you listening to right now, I'm bored," Courfeyrac nudged Enjolras' arm.

 

"Leave me alone and I'll make you a quick playlist," was all he got in return (alongside a half-yawn half-scowl).

 

Train rides were so exciting. Hours of looking at trees and tracks. Finding out your best friend who was unironically trying to be a revolutionary in the twenty-first century listens to a band literally called _Bastille_. What a fucking nerd.

 

He fell asleep with his head in Enjolras' lap and in Combeferre's worn-out pullover, completely not ready for the schoolyear and probably ready to sleep for a year or something.

 

Enjolras played with his hair the entire time because first of all, it felt nice to have something to do with your hands after reading a book for an hour or two and second of all, something was telling him that he should show his friend some more affection, half of it being guilt about all the times he snapped at him while being mad at himself during their time in Maine and the other half simply love and care. He wanted to treasure that moment, the softness of his hair and the smell of summer coming from the open window and the quiet humming he wasn't even aware of until he stopped doing it to murmur something to Combeferre.

 

Combeferre on the other hand, with every passing mile began to worry more and more about what would come. It was just how he lived these days, worried about one thing or another, he noticed without much emotion. Their trip was over and now he counted down the days until the meeting with Joly and then the beginning of the schoolyear and then another important date until it was summer again-

 

Except there would be no more summers like that. No more 'no talking about school, guys!', no more discussions about set books and no more plans for their drama club. That was the part of growing up Enjolras just didn't think about and Courfeyrac ignored but Combeferre mulled over again and again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ch2: this is essentially a follow-up to the first part that will be necessary for further chapters and character development. as u can see there are now ship names but the main focus is and will remain on **the triumvirate** anyways hope u enjoy!

Courfeyrac met Marius for the first time at the grocery shop, the tampons section to be precise. The poor boy looked like he might break into tears and his hands were trembling. Everything about him screamed 'afraid' and 'doesn't know what to do'. Courfeyrac noticed the familiar patterns of a panic attack almost immediately and rushed to his side.

 

"Hey, hey, just breathe in an out, don't think about anything else, okay?", he said, quietly so as not to scare him even more. At that moment, he vaguely remembered somebody (Cosette probably) telling him that his voice was 'nice and soothing' and seriously hoped it helped just a little bit.

 

"I'm sory, I just...this is too much, I don't know..."

 

"Don't know which ones to choose, huh? Don't worry, I've been there," Courfeyrac smiled at him and, after a moment of hesitation, touched his shoulder gently. "Just think about breathing for a while, I'll help you when you're okay, don't worry."

 

They stayed like that for some time and when Marius finally bought the tampons they went out for some milkshakes, thus a friendship neither had expected blossomed. Enjolras used to joke that Courfeyrac could just pick some people up from a crowd and they would go with it and become his friends and he was probably right (as he was about many other things). It was just a few days before the beginning of Courfeyrac's senior and Marius' junior year and it felt nice to spend the last summer days with a new friend. They talked a lot, which more often than not lead to Courfeyrac answering all of Marius' questions patiently and assuring him he was more than fine to, as he put it, 'guard him on his way to smashing the patriarchy'. Damn, Enjolras really had rubbed off on him. They exchanged some tips and tricks that came with binding and irritating periods and it honestly meant the world to him that he could help the poor boy with his struggles. He wished he had somebody like himself to be there for him.

 

text message 1:06 am

Courfeyrac: thank u for today!! it was so nice

marius: Thank u! I had so much fun

marius: Thanks for showing me around and all that stuff

Courfeyrac: no problem honestly

Courfeyrac: ive been wondering though

Courfeyrac: my friends and i have a club and were kinda looking for new members because some of us graduated last year

marius: What kind of club?

Courfeyrac: CLEARS THROAT

Courfeyrac: we, my dear friend, are the ABCDrama club (guess who came up with the name) and were 50% theatre 50% social justice

Courfeyrac: in practice its more like 30% theatre 70% social justice because of enjolras but ANYWAY

marius: Sounds nice! You guys do plays?

Courfeyrac: hell yeah every year

Courfeyrac: we also did workshops for kids one year but now we dont have enough time:(

marius: That's so nice!

 

Courfeyrac smiled and put his phone back in the charging station. It was probably getting late but he didn't even notice. He always got like that when summer was almost over and school was about to begin. With some music (probably _Bastille_ , damn you, Enjolras) playing in the background, which usually helped him concentrate, he couldn't put a single thought together, his mind wandering around the memories and plans alike, too fast to catch up. His window was open, but the air already began to feel different on his bare arms than the nights before. It felt nice not to recognize the music, though, it gave him a sense of unrealness which he appreciated. Most people spent the last summer nights with friends or partners, partying and making last memories, but he couldn't bring himself to it. There was an ache in his chest, for the old times when everything was easier and for the unclear future. All his friends had some plans as of what to study and he just listened to them go on about the universities and professors, himself lost in the big world of plans and ambitions. He missed the moment everyone somehow found things they were good at and loved. As the minutes went by, his mind went blank and he just stared at the fluorescent stickers he once put on the ceiling of his room with Combeferre when they were eight and never bothered to stick off.

 

facebook 3:40 am

'im here im queer'

the babadook: ive got us a new recruit

self care is gay culture: Who are they?

the babadook: his name is marius and he is like a lost baby otter

the babadook: WHY ARENT U ASLEEP FERRE WHAT THE FUCK

self care is gay culture: I don't know, it just happened

the babadook: it is late!!!!

the babadook: @heelies speak up and end the Discourse

heelies: don't @ me i'm writing a paper

the babadook: it is. summer. what the fuck enjolras.

heelies: it's for Lamarque

the babadook: i dont care. it is summer!!!!!

the babadook left the group.

self care is gay culture: There we go again.

heelies: add him in the morning i really need to finish it

 

Combeferre stood up from the garden bench he'd been sitting on for some time and ignored the way his knees cracked as if he was an old man. Courfeyrac would've laughed at him for saying this but he honestly felt like he was too old for everything. His eyesight was getting worse again and his entire body felt too heavy for any movement at all. Thinking about anything was too much of an effort. He was probably wearing Courfeyrac's t-shirt, it felt too tight to be his.

 

Whenever Courfeyrac crossed his mind, confusion followed. Their friendship may be one of the most important things in his life, but he found himself suddenly craving more. He wanted to hold him tighter and feel his heartbeat beneath his hands, count every single freckle on his body, make him blush, watch the sparks in his eyes that came to life every time he spoke, listen to whatever music he was into at the moment and play with his lovely hair. It would've been so much better to fall for a stranger, he realised, because at least the stranger wouldn't try to cheer him up when the longing and sadness got a little bit too intense. The stranger wouldn't be there for him every possible moment of his life and support him through every single thing while also smothering him with as much affection as it was possible. The fear of ruining their relationship terrified him enough to ignore his feelings, which, incidentally, he'd grown to be really good at.

 

the moth man: Is everything okay? You usually don't stay up that late

sasquatch: i dont even know ferre

sasquatch: today was so nice but i am so tired

sasquatch: but i cant sleep either

sasquatch: im staring at the stupid space stickers

the moth man: What do the stars tell you, my young padawan?

sasquatch: oh my god im pouring my soul out

sasquatch: they tell me to tell u to shut the fuck up

sasquatch: jk the aliens send their love as per usual

the moth man: Maybe you should try taking melatonin

sasquatch: nah man itll fuck me up probably

the moth man: It's just for better sleep, it's not crack cocaine

sasquatch: FHBNDJS ferre

sasquatch: idk ill consider it maybe

sasquatch: go to sleep its really late

 

 

the blue angry bird: enj its late please go to sleep

the red angry bird: i am working.

the blue angry bird: i can see but u shouldnt!!

the red angry bird: i have things to do. please stop this

the red angry bird: by the way, have you seen Grantaire since we got back?

the blue angry bird: no i wasnt going out that much except for marius

the red angry bird: same here. who's Marius?

the blue angry bird: the new guy i talked about in the gc. ull love him just dont scare him

the blue angry bird: are u worried about r or what

the red angry bird: he just looked off when i saw him yesterday

the red angry bird: and i'm not the kind of person you tell about your problems

the red angry bird: nevermind he was probably just tired or maybe i'm overthinking

the blue angry bird: youre so cute when u worry about r

the blue angry bird: go to sleep please

the red angry bird: the revolution doesn't sleep.

the blue angry bird: thats it its bedtime

 

Enjolras wasn't even planning on going out, he just needed a new hoodie for school and some stuff like pencils and a calculator (he slammed the old one against the wall in a moment of sheer frustration somewhere during the summer), so he decided to make a very quick run to the mall, hopefully at an ungodly hour so as not to meet any of his school friends. Therefore, he didn't expect running into Grantaire at around seven in the morning in his workout clothes and his hair in a messy bun. The other boy looked very tired and uneasy with the kind of exhaustion you can't sleep away. His face worried Enjolras because he recognized it from the mirror in his bathroom.

 

"I'm really sorry, I- wow, Grantaire? Fancy seeing you here," he smiled, although a bit nervously.

 

"If you wanted to say hi, you didn't have to sprint right through me, Enjolras," Grantaire replied with a weak smile, but a smile nevertheless. "How was your summer?"

 

 _Oh lord, how much he hated small talk_. "Fine, I guess. Feels like it only just began, right?"

 

"You're right, time is a fucked up context. The meeting's at two, right?"

 

"The- oh, yes, the meeting. I'm sorry, I'm still asleep. Yes, at two, but if we change the hour, I'll text you, okay?" Honestly, somehow Enjolras thought about anything but the meeting and the club. It was like it wasn't even a thing.

 

"Alright, see you soon, then, I've got to go," Grantaire said, to Enjolras' disappointment and the immediate confusion about said disappointment. _What was happening to him_? He didn't know and didn't want to know. He had enought things to take care of that weren't his emotions.

 

"Yeah, see you around."

 

Throughout the years they'd known each other, their relationship was...complicated? Weird? Definitely. Weird was a good word. They bickered about poetry, the grading system, ancient Greece, well, everything. And it was fine, Enjolras didn't expect anything more out of it. Except when they were rehearsing _Hamlet_ , Grantaire's voice would turn so weary and painfully emotional and Enjolras' heart would do a summersault and it'd strike a certain chord inside him that made him want to hold him until his charming (since when did he start calling it _charming_ , for god's sake?) smile was back again.

 

Back home, with his laptop open and a new burgundy hoodie (he had enough red things to recognize every single shade of the color straight away), he wondered about Grantaire once again. His tired expression worried and puzzled Enjolras. They weren't close enough to share personal information but as far as he knew (and he tried to keep himself updated on the group's personal lives since he wasn't the best at inferring hidden meanings behind sentences), things were fine with the other boy. However, he didn't _look_ fine, even Enjolras could see the sunken cheeks from the weight loss, the dark circles around his eyes, the way his once lively curls turned matted and weaker. He knew that if he didn't have Combeferre and Courfeyrac to look after him, he would've looked like that, too. Or maybe he did? He didn't know, he hadn't been paying much attention to his reflection in the mirror anymore, he couldn't bring himself to do it. His hair had begun to feel differently when he tried putting it up, though, a bit thinner and less curly. All those thoughts swirled around in his head and made it impossible to concentrate on the paper he was trying to write, the darkness and silence of the house (his parents were away again, they'd left a day before he got back from Courfeyrac's grandparents', which was absolutely unrelated to that one time they confronted him about Combeferre kissing him on the cheek and he accidentally implied he might maybe not be the straightest person on the planet) suddenly ringing in his ears. There was a watter bottle on his table, but it wasn't even open and it had also been there for more than a week. His head was pounding and his hands felt like they weren't even his. All he could do was sigh and pretend he would one day sleep it off while doing the exact opposite.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **comments and kudos are v much appreciated lov ya guys**
> 
>  
> 
> some good ol pining and obliviousness followed by Mental Health Issues. smells like high school doesnt it
> 
>  
> 
> also courf and marius are trans best friends and you can pry that shit away from my cold dead arms jsyk.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hello i am ALIVE and deliver ch3 
> 
> this time: even more FEELINGS, more usernames, courf's dad and Finally Getting Something Done, **ENJOY**

Only two weeks into the schoolyear, they found themselves once again deeply immersed in all their work. Within a week, though, there were freshmen and sophomores and juniors alike asking Enjolras about their plans for the year ( _there weren't any,_ he always replied, sometimes angrier than usual) and whether they were interested in new members ( _there would be posters and information when they decide on everything_ , he always replied). It was hard to get anything done, their meetings weren't fruitful at all, as if it was still summer, which irritated him to no end. In fact, he was so annoyed with the lack of productivity that he skipped one alltogether, pretending to be really busy with homework.

 

The first meeting was weird to say the least. Everybody seemed out of place, the air of concentration and the connection between them that was so present two months before vanished just like that. There was small talk about the summer, about plans for the next months perhaps and nothing that related to what they were supposed to do. The same thing had happened the year before and the year before that, but it annoyed Enjolras nevertheless. It took them two weeks, four times ninety minutes of _not getting a single thing done_ , before they could actually get down to work.

 

The atmosphere was obviously different due to the fact that Bahorel and Musichetta had graduated last June, which left the entire group sulking a little bit and reminiscing about the old times, especially Joly and Bossuet, missing their girlfriend already. There used to be way more tension between Enjolras and Grantaire, though, the loud cries of their weeklong arguments deeply engraved with their memories of the classroom, but somehow that year that wasn't the case. Everyone noticed but no one actually said out loud how different Grantaire seemed. It wasn't about his appearance, no, far from it, it was about the aura of withdrawal and silence around him. It was difficult to put a finger on, actually, since he joked around as he usually did, but it seemed a bit forced, a farce to keep up in order to seem alright, the latter being only Enjolras' thoughts that he never expressed out loud.

 

"I think it's about time we did something, we're halfway through September and we've got nothing," he finally snapped one fateful Monday afternoon. It'd been a stressful day and they should've all seen it coming, he tried to explain himself in his head. These kind of things were slowly becoming more and more common, his patience wearing thin more often than usually. That made Courfeyrac and Combeferre give him that 'I'm worried but I'll pretend I'm not for your sake but I know you know I'm worried" face yet again and it honestly made him sick to the stomach to look at it.

 

"You're probably right," Courfeyrac smiled and nodded along, with the others following suit. "I'll take it away from here, since it was _my_ idea and everyone's gotta know that."

 

Enjolras was silently grateful for that and settled for trying to listen, which turned to pretending to listen while his mind went off about everything he had to do after the meeting and the next day and the day after.

 

"I've written it in the groupchat already, but I'm gonna say it again," with that Courfeyrac looked at Combeferre, who gave him a (barely noticeable) reassuring smile, "you guys have already heard of _Hamilton_? I think we should give it a go this year. Enj, 'Ferre and I have been thinking about it and here's what we've got so far. Feel free to ask any questions and all that jazz."

 

There was a certain presence around Courfeyrac when he spoke, a different one from Enjolras', not quite as angry and forceful, more subtle but eye-catching nevertheless. His words were lighter than his friend's, accompanied by a smile more often than not. Combeferre couldn't look away, captivated by his lively gesticulation and the gleam in his eyes.

 

"I know it's gonna be a challenge and that we haven't done any musicals yet, but if we manage, it'll be great. Most of us graduate this year and if we don't leave a really big legacy, _hah, see what I did there_ , the club might fall apart in a year or two and we don't want that, do we? I mean, sure, last year's _Hamlet_ was fucking bomb, but we need to keep it up. The thing is, we need to nail it. Go hard or go home, yeah?"

 

Everyone paid attention, even Grantaire was looking up from whatever he'd been sketching absentmindedly. Enjolras loved those moments when there was absolute silence in the classroom, every single person absolutely concentrated on the speaker.

 

"There's gonna be an audition, first within our group, since most of us are seniors and won't get a chance next year, then when everybody here gets a role, we'll hang up posters and do a general audition, 'cause we need lots of people for the ensemble and the rest of the characters. Is that okay?"

 

No one seemed to protest.

"It'd be great if you could design a poster for the second audition, R, but obviously you don't have to. We're halfway through September and I think we'd need them in maybe two, three weeks. Could you do that?"

 

"No problem, just text me later if you've had any suggestions or ideas yet, okay?", Grantaire smiled in that half-hearted way that made Enjolras more upset than he was willing to admit.

 

"Alright! We don't have that much work yet, so our audition could be next Thursday or Monday the week after. Just one song, that would be enough, _hah, I did it again, sorry_. Is that okay?"

 

No one disagreed and so the meeting came to an end. Courfeyrac stayed behind with Marius, laughing at something Joly said, and Combeferre was discussing something with Cosette, which led to Enjolras and Grantaire leaving the room side by side.

 

"Everything alright? You look very tired," Enjolras said, running through his reminders for the day on his phone.

 

"Thanks, I _am_ tired," was all the other boy said. There was a comfortable silence between them as they walked through the hall.

 

"Are you gonna audition? I mean, you don't have to, but you did such a great job at last year's _Hamlet_ ," Enjolras blurted out before his mind-to-mouth filter could even kick in.

"Haven't thought about it yet, what about you?"

 

"I don't know. Probably yes, but I'd have to do some more research before I decide on a character. I must admit, though, it's mostly because it makes Courf happy. I haven't seen him this excited since the first few days at his grandparents'."

 

It was true, there were many things Enjolras did to make his friends happy. It may not always be noticed, but sometimes, that kind of was the point. If making Courfeyrac happy meant taking part in a musical, he was going to do it. Probably. If the stars aligned properly.

 

It was nice to chat with Grantaire for a while, just like that, about nothing important in particular, without arguing about dumb shit. It only confused him deeper about how much their dynamic had changed, but he was fine with whatever was happening at the moment.

 

Courfeyrac looked like he was about to lose it when Marius confronted him about Enjolras that afternoon. They were walking home together since their houses were in the same neighbourhood and he could see the boy was mulling something over and over.

 

"Your friend...the one in red...is he always this angry? He looked like he could straight up murder me if I do something wrong," Marius said with a hint of a blush on his face.

 

"You mean Enjolras? He's, like, three wet cats in a trenchcoat, don't worry about him, sweetie," Courfeyrac laughed. "He's very passionate about things and doesn't like wasting time, that's it. Don't be afraid of him or anything, really. Maybe you should ask him something on Thursday, after the meeting, and get to know him better? Breaking the ice, all that jazz. It'd be good for the both of you."

 

"I'll consider it. Wanna come over and watch a movie today?"

 

facebook 7:40 pm

'im here im queer'

heelies: why did i choose APUSH?

heelies: i don't even care about history anymore

heelies: why am i like this

the babadook: mood

the babadook: enjolras, love of my life, my sun and stars,

the babadook: send me ur notes,,,please,,

heelies: i'll consider it

the babadook: i

the babadook: am OFFENDED

the babadook: HELP ME OUT FERRE

gay culture is self care: Do whatever you want, it's a free country

heelies: judging by the direction it's taken, not for long.

the babadook: HEY no politics in the groupchat what did i tell yall

heelies: ferre do you wanna go out?

the babadook: smoking kills

heelies: nice

gay culture is self care: I'm studying too, maybe later

heelies: text me when you're done i'm staying up anyway

the babadook: ANYWAY

the babadook: do u have ur songs already

gay culture is self care: What songs?

gay culture is self care: Oh yes the songs

heelies: honestly, same

the babadook: :(

the babadook: okay

gay culture is self care: I'm sorry

the babadook: its okay im just too excited 4 my own good

heelies: it's okay to be excited!!

heelies: don't be a negative gremlin like us

the babadook: there are tears in my eyes...........

the babadook: i love u enj.............

the babadook: im screenshotting this..........

heelies: you're welcome

 

The truth was, Combeferre didn't even have that much to learn (yet), but it felt too tiring to even attempt to be that productive. It was sad that he used to be the kid that always knew everything and learnt every lesson in advance just for the fun of it. These days it was nice when he didn't procrastinate until there were only a few days left.

 

facebook 8:02 pm

Mulder: You know what, let's go

Scully: thought so

Scully: give me ten minutes, i need to finish my notes

Mulder: I still don't get why you have two notebooks for one subject

Mulder: You're going to be the Hunchback of Notre Dame before you're thirty

Scully: you don't understand. one's for messy classroom notes and the other's for revision notes for tests and exams and future reference

Mulder: You're right, I don't understand

 

Roughly fifteen minutes later, they were sitting on a bench in the park, smoking in silence.

 

"I'm so tired already," Enjolras said quietly, half-hoping Combeferre doesn't hear. "I don't want to do things I don't want to do, but it's not like I have a choice or anything."

 

"Ultimately, it's going to be your life and your regrets. The sooner you start doing things you wanna do, the better. "

 

He always said that and it irritated Enjolras to no end that he was absolutely right.

 

facebook 8:28 pm

'im here im queer'

the babadook: [ghfdbns.jpg](https://68.media.tumblr.com/efe8b7ab282f8c162385c856c3244773/tumblr_oqsjy3wlLf1vxv9sbo1_540.jpg)

the babadook: FUCK

heelies: me

heelies: come here courf

heelies: we can do something together

the babadook: no. we lost our snapchat streak enjolras. its over. dont talk to me

the babadook: dad made cookies so ill bring some

 

Combeferre considered confessing to Enjolras that he's probably fallen for Courfeyrac, fallen _hard_ , but he could see how selfish it'd be. As smart as he was, the poor boy was horrible at dealing with his feelings in general and to dump that sort of emotional baggage right onto him would only make things worse. Enjolras had enough trouble figuring out the entire Grantaire situation.

 

"Ten years of friendship and you sabotage it like that? I'm done, Enjolras, I'm fucking done," Courfeyrac exclaimed, only half-jokingly. He slumped onto one of the benches and shoved a paper bag that was _heavenly smelling and warm_ _and full of cookies_ in Combeferre's face. "Dad asked me when you're gonna come over, so you guys better come over soon," he laughed.

 

Courfeyrac's father was the boy's biggest idol. Enjolras and Combeferre admired him, too, for raising a child completely on his own. They loved all the nights and evenings they spent at Courfeyrac's little house, speaking broken Spanish to try and make things easier for the man, cooking and watching movies. There was always an atmosphere of love and support, the warmth of the place a solid memory in their hearts.

 

"Next weekend, maybe?", Combeferre said. "I'm pretty sure I can, I don't know about you, Enj."

 

"Can't tell you yet, my parents want to go somewhere, I think?" The perspective of spending two days exclusively with his parents and listening to them talk about his future like he didn't get a say made him sick. He'd much rather binge-watch soaps and bake tortillas, thank you very much.

 

It was around half past ten when they realized they should be heading home. After brief hugs, Enjolras was off to one side and Courfeyrac and Combeferre to the other, since they lived close to each other.

 

"How's school been so far? I didn't ask sooner because, you know, Enj being Enj," Courfeyrac said, toying with his jacket's zipper absentmindedly.

 

"I'm already tired, if that's what you're asking," came Combeferre's response. His glasses were unusually clean and gently reflected the moonlight. Courfeyrac's mind went back to the days of their early childhood, when they were only kids messing around, no other duties but to play and explore. He remembered the day Combeferre got his glasses and the day he got his tooth removed and talked about moths for two hours without taking a single break while being high as a kite from the anaesthetics, the day he insisted they stay up watching the comets ("I'm not waiting another twenty years for this exact thing to happen again, I don't care if you're tired, Courf!"), the day he went to IKEA and spent eight hours trying to assemble a simple desk and the day he fell asleep at school because of pulling his first (of many, many more to come) all-nighter.

 

He remembered those moments because they weren't only Combeferre's memories, they were his, too. He was there every single time, having probably spent more time with him than without him. Courfeyrac got to see his best friend grow up, change so much and they remained at each others' sides nevertheless. It broke his heart to think about leaving all of that behind, to find a future with other people.

 

All he wanted to do was be with him and he had no idea when he'd begun loving Combeferre the way he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **comments and kudos validate my unmotivated ass thanks**

**Author's Note:**

> **comments and kudos make my day and keep me motivated!**


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